Tag: Self Care

Self Care, part four

~ Spence's Girl ~ 4 Comments

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Pets provide companionship and entertainment but also unconditional love.  They sense when you need them to be close.

During those first months after losing Spence I chose to be alone while working through my pain. My cats, Tipper and Biscotti (aka “The Biscuit”) were a godsend.  Already the most lovable cats, they snuggled with me for hours every day.  They didn’t expect much beyond food, water and a clean litter box. Caring for them was self care and therapeutic for me; they too had lost Spence. Hospice had set up a bed for him in that last week and Tipper and Biscotti provided him comfort in those final days. Sensing the gravity and sadness, they calmly slept next to him for hours on end and were there when he drew his last breath.

Self care can take many forms; sharing our loss helped me to connect to the nurturing part of myself. It was small but it was a purpose.

Days and weeks went by when one day I caught myself singing and dancing to some song while making a snack. Food, music and dancing in my kitchen had been such a natural thing for me in the past. I don’t recall the song (but I remember the sun was shining brightly that day) and it struck me how long it had been yet how natural it felt. As time moved forward, those moments became more frequent and less noteworthy.  The cats and I still had our snuggle time every day but they also returned to their cat tree, their “Cirque du Soleil” antics and play time.

It does get better….

Self Care, part three

~ Spence's Girl ~ Leave a comment

 

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It’s okay to be selfish.

There are multiple definitions of the word selfish and they’re primarily negative but not always:

Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself

If there’s ever a time that you deserve to be selfish, it’s when you’re trying to cope with a loss. It’s survival and it’s self care.

In those first months, I sought solitude letting everything wash over me without censorship. Most days thoughts ricocheted wildly inside my head and to articulate them was too painful. It was a moment-to-moment way to get through those days but it was what I needed.

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It takes time to make sense of loss. Grant yourself all the time you need; sometimes selfishness is a good thing.

When dealing with loss your process might differ from mine. Give yourself permission to be selfish in seeking what you need to heal.

 

 

Self Care, part two

~ Spence's Girl ~ 2 Comments

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None of us truly knows how we will handle loss. In my case, I was capable of living on my own, handling my finances, getting through the final arrangements and all that follows the loss of a spouse.

I didn’t count on not being able to take a deep breath for what felt like months.

I didn’t expect to completely lose my appetite and my sense of humor.

I didn’t count on the paralyzing loneliness that overwhelmed me.

In the first few months most days I didn’t get dressed or even walk outside to get my mail. Days I spent almost entirely in bed, covers pulled over my head and tried to sleep so I wouldn’t have to think. I took a lot of bubble baths and basically hid out. I desperately missed my husband and our happy life. Every memory, even the good ones, caused me pain.  Not surprisingly, I cried a lot during this time. And though, intellectually I knew I wasn’t the only person in the world dealing with loss and sadness, it felt as though I was.

There is no time-table, no book, no one else’s advice that can tell you how to navigate your new normal. This is where self-care comes into play.  Being retired, I didn’t have to return to work for which I was grateful. Instead, I allowed myself to just….exist. No judgement, no guilt, no pressure to speed the process along.  Losing someone you love is the most intimately personal experience you can have and you’re entitled to feel every emotion that comes at you.

Be as understanding and kind to yourself as you would to others.

It gets better but it takes time. 

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If you need to, make this your mantra.

Self Care – a new series

~ Spence's Girl ~ Leave a comment

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If there’s one thing I learned last year, it was the importance of self-care.  My awareness came after losing Spence in March 2017.  For months, I had no appetite nor desire to cook. I had no interest in music and it was hard to focus on a book let alone a movie. I all but gave up blogging. The idea of traveling by myself after having had the most stellar traveling partner for 26 years, seemed too sad.

After months of being a recluse and hiding from my new reality, the fog started to lift – a little. I knew that Spence would expect me to embrace my life and live it. I had a lot to be grateful for even if I couldn’t acknowledge it. With the unwavering love and support from family and friends, even on my darkest days I knew there was no way they’d let me slip through the cracks.

March 4th marked a year since I lost Spence. By doing this series, it’s my hope that what I share may help someone else. Self-care is not for widows only.  It’s about putting yourself first, forgiving yourself, pampering yourself and moving through challenging and stressful times eventually reclaiming your life, your heart and your joy.

Watch for the next installment and in the meantime, stay strong. You are not alone.

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